drama and conflict

kehidupan tak pernah kosong daripada dipenuhi drama dan konflik. kadang-kadang tengok kehidupan realiti ni dah macam drama drama yang ditayangkan dekat tv tuh. penuh kejutan tapi itulah kehidupan. haritu aku cakap dengan ayah nak bawak kereta pergi universiti.ayah biasalah perangai dia, tak reti nak cakap bila orang minta izin. mungkin sebab anak sulung dia ni kalau cakap nampak sangat macam mandatori semua orang kena ikut then petang tu juga ayah pergi servis kereta bagi tinted habis. habislah aku. aku P pun belum habis tapi kereta dah mengalahkan orang besar. dah adat hidup aku nak stand high but be humble. jadi bila ayah servis kereta jadi macam tu, aku susah hati sendiri. hidup aku selamanya pun menurut peraturan. aku bukan seorang yang suka mencari masalah then bila aku tanya ayah kenapa servis sampai macam tu, ayah kata aku susah nak berterima kasih dan tak reti nak menghargai penghargaan orang lain. salah mungkin cara pertanyaan aku. ataupun kerana hubungan yang renggang menyebabkan bertanya juga menjadi salah. daalam hidup ini, ada satu benda je yang aku takut iaitu bila aku beku tanpa perasaan. masa tu, dah takkan ada lagi yang mampu mengetuk pintu hati aku yang sedia terkunci. masa tu, aku akan tanpa sedar melukakan semua orang yang ada di sekeliling aku. dan aku harap masa tu takkan datang sebab aku yang tak berperasaan adalah aku yang mati.
semalam, aku main rollerblade then lutut aku luka. tapi pelik bila luka itu lngsung tak dirasai. mungkinkah memang betul bila hati sudah sedia terluka, luka lain nampak terlalu kecil dan bagaikan hanya debu yang berterbangan dibawa desir angin? tiada nilainya. aku kini hanya mampu berdoa yang aku yang tak berperasaan takkan pernah muncul menghiasi diari hidup aku sebab itu hanya akan menjadi mimpi ngeri bagi aku dan semua orang.

turning 20, a turning point?

dah lama gila tak update kat my blog sampai url blog sendiri pun lupa. anyway, alhamdulillah jumpa balik blog ni and i can start writing once again. so tak lama lagi, i am turning 20! huhu. muka sedih sangat coz macam baru semalam je masuk sekolah, gaduh dengan kawan and everything but sekarang dah nak menginjak ke angka 20. everything will be different. a whole lot different. the way a conversation be held also will change. maybe, in the near future, akan ada yang sibuk bertanya, bila nak kahwin dan sebagainya. haha. typical.

tapi, bila fikir balik, everything happened for a cause nothing but a good one. in short, bila dah nak masuk umur 20 ni, i started to think of lots of things. about what had happened in the past and how it create my future. now, i am becoming mature with age and started to wonder of why did i rush into things i shouldn't rush into or doing things i shouldn't do, taking responsibilities for one purpose but fame and ended ruining myself. hmm...

tapi segalanya dah in the past. things yang should be left as memories but shouldn't be forgotten. cuma sometimes, deep down inside, i hold lots of regret lah. kadang-kadang rasa nak patah balik masa and start over again. tapi, it can't be done so let's move on into resolving a better future, i guess.

so now in 2016, walaupun lambat 17 hari wishlist ni tapi tak ada sesuatu itu lewat melainkan sesudah mati. so, as to becoming a better me, here's the wishlist:

1. be a happy me. considerate others but never forget me. me comes first. i am my priority.
2. don't hurt me. let go of those hands that wounded me and hold those who never leave.
3. be an affectionate me.
4. be less worry and enjoy life to the fullest.
5. always prepare myself but always cheer for surprises.
6. stop complaining.
7. achieve this dream that wasn't even mine.
now that i'm older, i can be realistic. not all that we want, we can get. if i put trust on Allah sooner, my heart wouldn't be a broken picture. but, humans are made to be forgetful, for those who remember are those who are blessed.

Life isn't A.Bed. Of. Roses

Life isn't a bed of roses. Yeah, I know that. But, sometimes, it shouldn't be too much hurtful. Wise men said that those who suffer from disappointment in their childhood tend to grow in disappointment throughout their life. Well, I guess that is what happens to me now. I keep on disappointing because I couldn't let go of every inch of hurtful stuff in the past. I guess I just probably doesn't get to find the cure for such poison yet, am I right?
So, you whom I trusted with my life, then betray me. Don't you think that I will at least try not to look into your eyes ever again? You never felt such disappointment as I had . So, I won't blame you for that reason. But, as a human being,.just a human being, can you at least try to make the effort not to hurt me even more?!!! Can't you see that I'm holding it in so hard?! Can't you even make an attempt to realise and seek me some peace?! Some kind deeds?! You just can't get enough of making me wounded. Maybe, when I'm torn apart, that is the time when you will stop..so, don't you ever try to change my attitude upon you because now is the time for me to take care of my own priorities and that is not YOU!!! Enough of toying me around. Enough of acting. Your act..

my life now

Ok. Assalamualaikum. Dah lama tk citer citer kat sini. Well. Alhamdulillah. Now , I da move on!!! Yeah!!! Sekarang I da move on from the old memories of him. Well, lagipun org ckp. How can we be happy when we don't.move on from those who left us?? I took that as an advice and started to realise that for all this time I was hurting myself by falling hard into him whereas he, on the other side, doesn't feel it at all. But, the time I took to come back to my sense wasn't a waste. It'll only gonna make me wiser. So now I can tell him that I am happy for him. Oops, I forgot to tell you that he is now in a deep love with somebody. He said that she was a bless that come to him when he was down. Well, sometimes it is hurtful to hear such things but I'd be happy for him. That's the best thing that I can do. Well well well. I hope he will marry her and be happy.forever. because to me, he was one of my favorite favorite nightmare. And now.I woke up, he is only a dust in the thin air. Now, goodbye u thin dust.. Hahaha
Ok, another story, it is about a girl who messed up my life. Don't she thinks she some kind of queen?!! Oh, you're suck bitch. Oops, haha. She is a big nuisance, a bullshit. Now that I th.about.it through, I'm.going to fight fir my right and no one can ever stop me. You and your swing mood, go away from my life!!!

abg...

alhamdulillah. I don't know any more word to describe how I feel right now. he has returned back to me. after three years, he walked away from my life because of what I did to him, now. he has returned. he was hurt and now he recovered. I couldn't say much when he greets me again. it feels like a dream. I couldn't imagine a man whom I was about to forget suddenly came back and reached out his hand for my heart. truly, I couldn't lie anymore. he is the one I've been looking for, for all this while ..

alhamdulillah

Alhamdulillah.. at last, result spm da keluar and I got the exact result yg I deserve to get. no offended feeling cuz I know it worth like that. I dont need more so tengs Allah for every thing you gave me. To all my tc, frenz and family, thanks for the support. I am really thankful for everything.

And also alhamdulillah cuz I am not hurt anymore when I see his pic with another girl who owns his heart. I've learned that h wasn't the one for me. May Allah always bless him and his special one till Jannah. Amin. Insyaallah. There will be someone better than him for me in the future. Insyaallah....

no bestfriends is better what!

assalam..
today , i would like to share bout something, that tore my little, tiny, cute heart.
it happened bout a month ago...
a friend of mine, someone i've known for a very long time, indeed.
what she did was something unforgiveable, but i've already forgive her. even the Prophet Muhammad can forgive his Ummah, why can't I?
but, here. i won't state what she has already done but frankly speaking, she wasn't my friend anymore the day since. technically, i was hurt deeply inside. she doesn't respect me as her friend. did she ever think of me as her friend? i don't know. deeply inside this tiny little heart, i am hurt. still hurt. people thought that i am okay with everything, but damn it. i can't take it no longer. a friendship has already broken into pieces... that's why no bestfriends is better what..